Tabloid: The Clickbait Headline Programming Language

(tabloid.vercel.app)

322 points | by sadeshmukh 4 days ago ago

47 comments

  • lxgr 4 days ago ago

    Missed opportunity to title the post/submission “Will this programming language revolutionize software development?” :)

    • nine_k 4 days ago ago

      I hope error messages say

        YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU'LL SEE IN LINE ${line_number}
      • halapro 4 days ago ago

        Errors should be thrown as TRULY EXCEPTIONAL

      • RobotToaster 3 days ago ago

        PROGRAMMER DESTROYED BY FACTS AND SYNTAX

        • throwup238 3 days ago ago

          Exception claps back at programmer.

      • Dilettante_ 3 days ago ago

        [GONE {errortype}!]

    • cyrusradfar 3 days ago ago

      I actually felt pretty impressed they kept to the non-clickbait standard of the community and still crushed the post :)

  • gnabgib 4 days ago ago

    Popular in:

    2020 (245 points, 38 comments) https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24578749

    2024 (217 points, 29 comments) https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40964261

    • moritzwarhier 3 days ago ago

      I didn't think some keywords could make me have fun but they did :D

      Maybe I should use macros like this for productive work to make sure programming stays engaging and entertaining!

        EXPERTS CLAIM SECRET_CODE TO BE 129
      
        DISCOVER HOW TO MESS WITH NUMBER
        RUMOR HAS IT
          EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE NUMBER MODULO 2
          WHAT IF RESULT IS ACTUALLY 0
            SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT NUMBER DIVIDED BY 2
          LIES!
            SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT (NUMBER TIMES 3) PLUS 1
        END OF STORY
        
        EXPERTS CLAIM ITERATION TO BE 0
        DISCOVER HOW TO DEEP_RESEARCH WITH NUMBER
        RUMOR HAS IT
          EXPERTS CLAIM ITERATION TO BE ITERATION PLUS 1
          EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE MESS OF NUMBER
          WHAT IF RESULT IS ACTUALLY 1 RUMOR HAS IT
            SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT ITERATION
          END OF STORY
          LIES!
            SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT DEEP_RESEARCH OF RESULT
        END OF STORY 
      
        EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE DEEP_RESEARCH OF SECRET_CODE
      
        YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS (((("shocking fact about innocious number discovered: " PLUS SECRET_CODE) PLUS " takes a whopping ") PLUS RESULT) PLUS " steps to reach 1")
      
        PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE
      • omoikane 3 days ago ago

        Minor patch before calling DEEP_RESEARCH to make it interactive:

           EXPERTS CLAIM SECRET_CODE TO BE LATEST NEWS ON 'Innocious number?'
        • moritzwarhier 3 days ago ago

          Good one! It would be disingenuous to name it DEEP_RESEARCH without incorporating LATEST NEWS. And what could be a better source of news than the user?

  • k310 4 days ago ago
  • illusive4080 4 days ago ago

    Missed opportunity for loops to be

    BREAKING NEWS … KEEP READING TO DISCOVER

  • Ancapistani 4 days ago ago

    How about CONSIDERED HARMFUL as a postfix negation operator?

    • ljm 3 days ago ago

      Perhaps UK centric but I’d also consider:

      IN BOOST TO x — increment x by 1

      IN BLOW TO x — decrement by 1

      Throw in ‘BAN THIS SICK FILTH’ as a way to throw an exception.

      Of course, the absence of SLAMS and SNUBBED are notable. They should fit in somewhere.

      • dspillett a day ago ago

        Perhaps MORAL QUESTION / BAN THIS SICK FILTH / JUSTIFY IF BY ONE OF OURS/ AT THE END OF THE DAY for try/throw/catch/finally.

  • Jeremy1026 4 days ago ago

    BREAKING NEWS! This is the perfect amount of stupid. I'm going to see if I can't convince my team to convert our codebase over ASAP. FOLLOW ME to find out how it goes.

    • swyx 4 days ago ago

      you forgot to

      PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE

      now the program doesnt terminate

  • NamlchakKhandro 4 days ago ago

    Now we just need the companion turing complete languages:

    Thunderfoot - write screenplays for youtube videos debunking articles written in Tabloid

    Fisker - Writes troll posts to discord/irc/steam community to highlight how awesome TOPIC in AWESOME ARTICLE written in Tabloid is

    Shitlist - Generates awesomelists repos on github for TOPIC

    • wartywhoa23 4 days ago ago

      .BOT - Controls botfarms with built-in shill primitives on the X virtual machine, successor to BitMusk

  • noduerme 4 days ago ago

    This is refreshingly ridiculous.

  • dbacar 4 days ago ago

    The title of the post should have been "SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT".

  • halapro 4 days ago ago

    I'm more of a KTHXBYE kinda guy.

  • Kye 3 days ago ago

    The natural complement to LOLCODE.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LOLCODE

  • gnarlouse 4 days ago ago

    Missed opportunity:

    The joke should be that regardless of the program you write, nothing happens. No real signal, just like most real clickbait content.

  • arendtio 4 days ago ago

    I think it could be improved by ADDING A FEATURE with multiple texts for the same mechanic.

    Less repetitive == MORE AWESOME

    And of course, harder to learn/understand.

  • jonplackett 4 days ago ago

    This is the heart and soul of hacker news

    • nython 4 days ago ago

      I thought that was maison d'errorier

  • hunterpayne 4 days ago ago

    So brainrot and brainfuck had a baby?

  • cat-whisperer 4 days ago ago

    If you make sure it follows the style of COBOL. we can document it in the history books!

    • zoom6628 4 days ago ago

      I look forward to the implementation of the TACO instruction.

  • fjfaase 4 days ago ago

    I used this language in a workshop on parser construction at MCH2022. The particepants where asked to construct the grammar for the language, which proved harder than I had expected for most of them.

  • paultopia 4 days ago ago

    It’s been too long since something like this has happened. Kudos.

  • csmantle 4 days ago ago

    This would benefit from combining the literal rules from TrumpScript [0]:

    > All numbers must be strictly greater than 1 million. The small stuff is inconsequential to us.

    [0]: https://github.com/samshadwell/TrumpScript

    • 4 days ago ago
      [deleted]
  • holysoles 4 days ago ago

    Love the energy and keyword selections. But also probably a great exercise to have gone through that I've always considered doing

  • BrenBarn 4 days ago ago

    Write amazing programs with this one weird trick

  • arvigeus 3 days ago ago

    Not written in Rust? Instant pass!

  • hamasho 4 days ago ago

    Love `TOTALLY RIGHT` and `COMPLETELY WRONG` as boolean, but `TRUTH` and `FAKE NEWS` sounds better. Too much social media consumption makes me feel that "truth" or "fact" are kinda sarcastic.

    It also reminds me TrumpScript: https://github.com/samshadwell/TrumpScript

    • kruffalon 4 days ago ago

      But... Which one of TRUTH and FAKE NEWS is the equivalent of boolean TRUE and FALSE respectively????

      The original options are more clear imo, even though they show their age.

      • hamasho 4 days ago ago

        You're right, I'm not sure neither... Probably it should be FACT and ALTERNATIVE FACT and no one knows what means what.

  • artemonster 3 days ago ago

    Dereferencing pointers: „click here to find out more“

  • zamadatix 4 days ago ago

    This gave me a laugh! Some variation of "the Top Five Most Popular Quirks and Features" from the description could be a good way to define arrays on size n (e.g. perhaps numerical instead of Five).

    • Dilettante_ 3 days ago ago

      "n WEIRD INTEGERS YOU WON'T BELIEVE ARE REAL!"

  • AbuAssar 4 days ago ago

    this is hilarious, thanks for the laughs!

  • olivierestsage 3 days ago ago

    And That's a Good Thing

  • dcdc123 4 days ago ago

    I love it.